"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
