Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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