God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
This is the high leading the old right now
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
