and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
