Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
