I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
