She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
