You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
