3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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