I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
