my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
