I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
