this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize