i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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