This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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