Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
