I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
