My Higher Power is John Stamos
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
