is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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