I'm really into asian looking animals
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
