How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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