Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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