Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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