i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
