You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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