if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
