Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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