Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
