Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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