I hate all girls vehemently.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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