oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
