he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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