Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
