I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
