peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
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