woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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