I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
