i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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