i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
