What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
