I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
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