you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
