apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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