I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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