I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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