Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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