Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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