The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
