I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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