You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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