evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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