census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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