I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
