FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
