and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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