A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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